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Today was a good day, on paper. After all, I had an apple-picking date with Ilana and then a costume party in the evening.

But emotionally, it has been devastating.

I had a great time with Ilana. We met at The Big Apple in Wrentham. They were no longer allowing folk to pick apples, though, so we decided to head over to the Fairmount Fruit Farm in Franklin. On the way there, we were sidetracked by an arts festival where we saw all sorts of very interesting and lovely crafts. I was getting the impression that things were going very well with Ilana. So, at the end of the date, when she asked what we should do with the apples we picked, I suggested we get together and bake apple pies. Her response was to tell me that she didn't want to lead me on, that she likes me but that I'm not her type. If you looked in my eyes closely, you would have seen my spirits take a nosedive off a tall precipice, but other than that I don't think I betrayed any emotion other than a casual "that's cool" nonchalance.

But you know this one hurts. I haven't been this interested in someone since I first met Keya. Ilana was definitely a keeper. She's intelligent, is a fascinating person, and she's damned sexy too. I don't want to give up on her, but I also don't want to disrespect her personal boundaries. Maybe as we remain friends she'll see some quality that she likes and will want to explore further. But I'm not hopeful.

--

So I went to surrealestate and scholargipsy's party. And initially I succeeded in having a pleasant time, despite my low spirits. But then bubblebabble and bitty walked in. At least bubblebabble acknowledged me when I said hi to him, and for that I am grateful. But not so bitty. I said hi to her, and she looked resolutely straight ahead, ignoring me as if I wasn't there. She saw me, and she must have heard me, but she chose to treat me as something less than dirt. This is someone whom I have regarded as one of my dearest friends for the past decade, but who apparently has been mad at me for the last several months. She refuses to tell me what I did or said to her to earn this treatment. Did I shoot her mother or piss on a relative's grave? I can't think of anything I might have done to her to sink me so low in her estimation.

I just about lost it. I was so completely overwhelmed by emotion that I had difficulty holding myself together and not crying openly. My eyes were moist, and all I could do for the next several minutes was sit silently at the bottom of the stairs, fighting back tears. I'm afraid I was completely antisocial from that point forward. I'm just glad I was largely unnoticed and didn't bring down the mood of the party.

(Some may wonder why I am airing some of this publicly. I keep hoping someone will explain to me what is going on. Hopefully bitty herself, but if not her, anyone. I'm not sure our relationship is salvageable, simply based on the way she behaves towards me; but if I can at least understand what is going on, understand what I did that was so wrong, perhaps I can avoid making the same mistake(s) with other friends. When you boil it all down, life is all about relationships, about the love shared between friends, family, and other relations. There is nothing on this earth I value more than my friends and my family. If I'm going to lose something that I have valued so much and for so long, I want to understand why.)

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
fj
Oct. 3rd, 2004 01:58 am (UTC)
Very courageous.
treacle_well
Oct. 3rd, 2004 07:09 am (UTC)
Sorry 'bout the double-dose of hurt. I have been on the end of things where I don't want to get close enough to someone to tell them what's wrong, once I no longer feel that closeness. But I hope if I read something like this that so clearly expressed the other person's hurt and puzzlement that I'd at least think about overcoming whatever been's keeping me from having the "this is what's wrong" conversation.

I don't know that I would though. I can be pretty selfish.

sonata960
Oct. 3rd, 2004 07:30 am (UTC)
*hugs* Sorry for such a sucky day - I never know what to do when a friend drops me for no reason that I can fathom. It sucks. I hope things work out with your friend.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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